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Published: September 7, 2007
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EmailWhen Keith and I decided to become parents, the prospect of sleepless nights and chaotic days did not worry us…at least that is what we told ourselves. However, after years of romantic dinners out, impromptu weekend getaways, and leisurely Saturday mornings of drinking coffee and talking, we did have one major concern. As parents, would the two of us have still have time together? When we adopted our wonderful daughter Grace, we happily let her become the center of ours lives. However, Keith and I soon longed for just a little time to hang out and relax together. Was this a selfish wish? Not according to professional counselors. Family counselors strongly recommend that couples find time to connect with each other after they become parents. This effort not only keeps your marriages health, but also keeps your family strong.
“With extra responsibilities and pressures, couples need to work harder to stay connected,” states Elizabeth Scott, life coach and family counselor. “Because of all the benefits of a supportive relationship and a strong family, making the effort to keep the relationship strong is more than worth the effort for parents.”
Keith and I have followed her advice, but it has taken perseverance. The following are ways that we have managed to carve out “couple time.”
Find a Babysitter
The first time we left Grace with a babysitter, I was a mess. As Keith and I sipped margaritas, I worried that I was a bad mother for leaving my precious baby. However, logical thought (and the margarita!) prevailed. I was able to let go of my worry because I knew that our babysitter was a wonderful girl. Keith and I stayed out for a few hours and actually spoke entire sentences to one another. That night we came home to a sleeping Grace.
We started to go out twice a month—a movie, a dinner, just a few hours alone, and continue to do so. By using a babysitter, Keith and I have been able to find time to talk, Then we come home refreshed, ready for a whole next day of fun with Grace (who, by age two, shoved us out the door so that she could be spoiled by her sitter!).The key to finding a babysitter is to interview several people until you meet one who your child is comfortable with and whom you trust. This may take awhile, but it is worth it! Great places to find lists of babysitters are at preschools, neighborhood associations, and churches.
Grandparents Love Kids!
If you are lucky enough to have your parents live near you, use them! Most grandparents love spending time alone with their grandchildren. This way they can spoil their grandchildren without reproach from the parents. Does Grace get too many sweets, stay up late, and do things that I normally wouldn’t let her with her grandparents? Yes. But do I realize she is being taken care of by people who love her with their whole hearts? Yes! So I have learned to let the grandparents relax the rules (well, some of them) while Keith and I are away.The result has been that Keith and I occasionally get an entire night or even a whole weekend away. This gives us plenty of time to connect and rejuvenate. When we come back, we are in tune with each other and ready for parenthood.
Nights In
If you do not live near your parents nor feel comfortable using a sitter, there are still ways to find couple time. Children sleep…at least most do! Even if you are tired, forgoing some zzz’s in order to get some quality couple time is worth it in the long run. One way to take advantage of children’s sleep is to schedule a “night in.” For example, most nights we have family dinners, but one or two nights a week, Keith and I feed Grace first then have our own dinner. When she is in bed, Keith will cook a fancy meal and I will set up the dining room with candles, wine, and music. Another way to take advantage of children’s bedtimes or naps is to schedule down time together. It is easy to get caught up in doing chores or work when the kids are asleep. Instead, schedule time to sip wine, listen to music, read books, watch a movie together, or just talk. The key is to be together. Understandably, some couples may really need to get work or household chores done. In this case, set aside a specific amount of time, even just fifteen minutes, for each other.The TV is Your Friend. There, I said it. But it is a true. And I bet most parents will agree. The TV provides a tiny bit of sanity and couple time in parents’ lives. Certainly, parents should not use it as a long-term babysitter, but in my opinion small doses of educational TV will not keep a child from getting into Harvard. We make use of the TV after dinnertime. Grace, like most young children, eats her dinner in half the time we do. If she has eaten well and conversed with us, we will let her down from the table to watch one educational show. This way the three of us have enjoyed a family dinner and Keith and I can still leisurely finish our meal while Grace winds down for the night. Another TV option is Saturday mornings. A good friend of mine is a mom to a 4 and 2 year old. She still manages to enjoy relatively relaxing Saturday mornings with her husband. This is due to Saturday morning cartoons. She lets the kids watch a few shows like Little Einsteins and Dora the Explorer while she and her husband converse and drink coffee together.
Surprises
If couples are truly limited in the amount of time they can find to be together, they can still show each other that they care. One way is to surprise one anther. According to family counselor Scott, “Little romantic gestures—leaving a love note on her pillow, picking up his favorite food at the store—can keep things fun, and fosters more positive feelings between partners.” Keith’s recent surprise to me was ice cream. He came home with Haagen Daaz mint chocolate chip ice cream after he heard me talking about how much I love that flavor. To me, this was more special than roses (although I like those too!). It showed me that he listens to me and thinks of me. Other ideas include sending short emails to each other throughout the day. Some couples leave sticky note messages in each other’s wallets or purses. The key is to do something to let your husband or wife know that you still think of him or her in a romantic way.
Family Dinners and Outings
Eating dinner as a family or a going on a trip to Busch Gardens may not sound romantic, but these are also ways that couples can stay connected. By spending time as a family, husbands and wives can together enjoy watching their children grow, learn, and have fun. A friend of mine found that she and her husband stay close by appreciating the small, joyful moments of being a family. For example, one night she and her husband had a fantastic time together as they pushed their children on the swings. The entire family laughed and had fun.
