Are tween-teen friendships terrific -- or taboo?
By Kristen De Deyn Kirk
Published: May 6, 2008
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Barely a day goes by without my daughter rejoicing, “It’s every girl’s dream!,” She says it when she sees a pretty dress, a cool poster or a fun board game. If push came to shove, though, I’m sure she’d say her most precious dream is being a teenager. She and her friends play “high school.” They have lockers, boyfriends and cheerleading practice.

This role playing goes on for hours, unless my neighbor, who’s in 9th grade, is outside. My daughter would rather talk with her -- or spy on her if she’s hanging out with other teenagers. Her detective desires quadruple if she spots teen boys in the group.

Oh how glamorous being a teen looks when you’re 8. After witnessing this scenario several dozen times, I started wondering if it’s helpful for tweens to be friends with teenagers – or if such a friendship could be hurtful. Sarah Verney, editorial director of Discovery Girls Magazine, a national magazine and web site (www.discoverygirls.com) published from San Jose, California, understands that parents face a tough decision.  “In the case of girls, the tweener who is friends with a teenager will be exposed to the social norms and burning questions of older peers. This means she'll have a chance to develop communication skills and understanding of what's to come in advance of being within this group,” she notes. “However, she might get misinformation about important topics from a teenager who is dealing with a vastly different social landscape than a tween should even be considering (makeup, birth control, etc.) Tween girls would be better off getting educated from knowledgeable adults and at the appropriate time.” Verney reminds parents to not be misled by looks when it comes to what tweens can handle. Just because external development has occurred, internal development hasn’t necessarily happened yet. A tweener might adopt some of the teenager’s inappropriate communication and social skills earlier than a parent desires. “The tween time can be a very sweet time where parents are still sought out for advice and help and treated with respect,” Verney notes. “Why rush into the teen stage where parents begin to seem less relevant?”Dr. Nancy Buck, a developmental psychologist from Charlestown, Rhode Island and founder of Peaceful Parenting, an organization offering classes, coaching and books, believes each parent must decide who her tweener will spend time with depending on that particular child.   “Just as ‘one size fits all’ doesn’t always produce a perfect fit for clothing, one answer does not fit for every parent’s question,” she notes. “Here’s some good news you may not be aware of: Research indicates that peer pressure is known to be just as influential for positive and responsible behaviors as it is for the negative choices you want your child to avoid.” 

To figure out if your tweener faces a potentially wonderful or a potentially wicked friendship, Dr. Buck advises asking yourself these questions:

·          How well do you know the teenager that your child wants to spend time with?

·          What are the circumstances where they will be spending time? 

·          Is it a one-on-one situation or a group event? 

·          Is it a situation supervised by other adults like a church or temple youth group?

·          What is the ratio of tweeners to teenagers? 

·          Is your tweener the only young person in a group of three or more teenagers? Or is there one teenager in a group of three tweeners? One tweener to many teenagers may overwhelm your child’s good sense.

·          What is the gender mix? All girls, all boys or boys and girls? Your tweener may be more likely to make a poor choice in order to positively impress a person of the opposite sex.

·          Have you had, or are you willing to have, an honest conversation with your tweener about your concerns?

If you conclude no, your still-little darling shouldn’t be hanging out with that particular teenager or group of teenagers right now, you can take steps to discourage the friendship. “Involve them in school activities at their grade level,” suggests Verney. “This keeps them engaged in positive extracurricular events that also bring them together with their own peer group. This means less time for online social networking sites, hanging out at the mall or other teen environments. Also, provide them with age-appropriate media choices, to keep them interested and exposed to content they can handle.”

And if you bless a tween-teen friendship, still keep tabs on the situation.

“The key is establishing good and frequent communications between you and your child,” says Dr. Buck. “Then, even if you make the wrong decision, your child will share enough information with you so that you will quickly realize your error and make any necessary corrections.” 
 


 
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