 |
Published: February 12, 2008
Print
EmailYou thought you’d never make it through the baby stage, with your little sweetheart wanting to play every night at 1 a.m. But you did when, at age 18 months, she promptly visited dreamland from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. every night. You panicked again when the Terrible Twos hit late at age 3, with your darling throwing temper tantrums the second another person came into sight. But finally, she grew out of it, and you thought you could relax.
And you did, at least until kindergarten started. Then you had to do everything – bribing, praising, and screaming – to get her to do her homework. The agony continued until halfway through second grade, when at last, she opened the school books on her own and even wanted to read a few pages ahead of the assigned homework each night.Now, you thought, now things will be easy until the teenage years.
Aaah, if only life were that easy. You’ve come to realize, actually you can’t help but realize!, that a few of your daughter’s classmates are developing. One has a training bra. Your daughter is jealous and wants to know when she’ll be ready for one, too. She’s also questioning why some of the boys in her class are staring at that friend with the training bra. She mentions, too, that most of the boys are proud of the fact that they can burp the whole alphabet. Why are they such babies?, she asks. She’s confused by it all, and so are you. What should you say so her self-esteem remains in tact? Her “little” brother isn’t too far behind either, and you wonder what you can do to help him. You’re not a boy, and you don’t know what to expect, so you worry your job will be even harder with him.
Fortunately, health professionals and older boys have shared information on the Internet to help clueless moms like me. According to www.raisingkids.com, boys are usually behind girls in development. Most boys start at age 13, while many girls are well on their way by that point. However, development can start as early as age 8 for both sexes, so be ready. The first things your son might notice are enlarged testes, thinning scrotum and pubic hair. Raisingkids.com notes that he might start to notice body odor. Also, most moms probably don’t know that boys can have swelling breast tissue and size and color changes in their nipples. An “average” time for these changes is age 11 – but, again, development can happen earlier or later. Mention all of this to him, or let him “find” a book you’ve left behind about puberty. Boys are sometimes anxious about their height. Your son could experience a rapid growth spurt two years after starting puberty, and it’s important to remind him that boys are behind girls in this respect.
“You still have more time,’ is the message young boys need to hear, says Gary Ezzo, author of several parenting books, including On Becoming Preteen Wise. Fathers tend to worry, too, that their son might not grow, and they take it personally. Both Dad and Son need to be reminded that the boy will, eventually, fall into the normal height ranges. “Avoid saying ‘God made you short,’” advises Ezzo. “Say ‘your growth spurt will kick in.’”It’s important at this time to also emphasis your child’s wonderfulness – sense of humor, compassion, athletic ability, intelligence – and remind him to let his best qualities shine now and always. If he doesn’t grow as tall as he’d like, he will hopefully not mind as much when he’s older because he’ll be confident in his abilities. Fathers are concerned about their daughter’s development, too, in a much more awkward way. “They tend to back off. They don’t know how to respond to early developers, daughters who develop at ages 9 and 10,” says Ezzo. “The girl is still a little girl. If Dad holds back hugs and cuddles, he unintentionally says ‘you’re different, I can’t love you anymore.’ Please still let her curl up in your lap.”
Dad and Mom should remember that early developers might physically look older, but they’re not mentally. Don’t expect more, says Ezzo. This can often happen with tall children. “They look 15,” he says, “but they can’t handle teenage responsibility or situations.”Linda Sonna, Ph.D., psychologist and author of 11 parenting books, including the Everything Tween Book, recommends coaching your early-developing daughter on how to stand up to teasing boys. “It may help your daughter to know why peers, especially boys, are giving them negative attention: Developed girls confront peers with the unsettling reality that that they too will soon arrive at a new life stage, and that prospect makes tweens a bit nervous. Worries abound as to whether their bodies will change, and how they will look as adults. They worry, too, about holding their own in dating and relationships,” she says. “Boys mature later, and their relative lack of development is often the source of much anxiety and personal insecurity. Developed girls make them feel ever worse about themselves. One way to thwart offensive comments is to tell your daughter to say, ‘You’ll grow up in time. When that happens, I’m sure your behavior around women will improve.’” The other problem, Sonna notes, is that teen boys may be attracted to very developed tweens and want to date them.
“To protect your tween, you need to supervise and set limits. Because boys are likely to view provocative clothing as a sexual invitation, insist that she dress in accordance with her chronological age,” Sonna says. “While positive sexual attention from boys affirms girls as sexual beings, those with low self-esteem may overreact. Affirm your tween’s other positive qualities to help her keep positive sexual attention from boys in perspective.”
Life might be a little easier for late developers because they are less likely to be teased than early developers. Sonna reminds parents, however, that girls compare themselves, notice differences, and late developers may be very worried that something is wrong with them. A lone comment from a peer can add to their insecurities and create a lot of anxiety, and having one’s lack of development noted by others in the locker room can be humiliating. Reassure your tween that everyone develops in her own time, Sonna advises. In the meantime, you can help lessen her embarrassment by letting her select the kind of underwear favored by other girls her age, shave her legs, and wear deodorant rather than insisting she is not ready. It may help her to know that overweight girls appear to be more developed than slimmer ones, but that doesn’t mean their bodies are actually maturing faster. If she is unhappy because boys aren’t noticing her yet, reassure her that her day will come.
Reassure yourself, also, that this stage will pass, and, much too soon, you’ll be worrying about dating, driving and college.
