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Published: October 10, 2007
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EmailDavid Markert, who worked behind the scenes with Family Therapist Hal Runkel on The New York Times best-selling book Scream-Free Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool, isn’t fazed when his 10-year-old daughter rolls her eyes.
“She does it when I dance,” Markert said. “After my (now 20-year-old) son, I’m used to it.” Being mortified by 50 percent of what a parent does is typical of intermediate school kids. Being mortified by 100 percent of what a parent does is typical of middle and high school kids.So much to look forward to, huh?
My 8-year-old has entered this stage. At cheerleading camp this summer, I joined her after the last routine on Parent’s Day. The music was still playing, and I moved my hips and waved my arms. “MOTHEEEER!,” Darling Daughter screamed. “DON’T DO THAT!” I froze. Where was my fun little friend? Markert said she’s been replaced by an adolescent, an adolescent who’s begun to detach. I’m not ready for that. And Darling Daughter isn’t either, Markert stressed. “They think they can take on the world, and then they run back to you,” he noted. This long process of I don’t need you-I do need you can be jarring or comforting depending on your mind set. Think of it as a slow period of adjustment, with the reward at the end being a loving, mature relationship with your child, and you’ll be OK. “Our job is to stay cool throughout it,” said Markert. “We want to love them, squeeze them, but our goal is to have them be independent.” To keep your cool, think “space and place.” Scream-Free Author Runkel advises parents to ask for hugs instead of assuming the child is still open to embraces. Also start knocking on doors before you enter rooms, especially bathrooms. “You want to teach your child that it’s good to have boundaries,” Markert said. “You want your daughter to have that skill of saying ‘no’ so she can use it when she’s in the backseat of a car!”
One of the biggest blunders Markert finds parents making: Looking to their child for validation. Of course parents want their child’s attention and love, but they need to accept that caring emotions will now be expressed differently and not as frequently. “Take a breath,” said Markert. “Realize that this stage is a growth moment for parents, too.” Sometimes those moments are even funny -- although you might not want to express your amusement aloud to your child.
Deborah Levine Herman, author of The Complete Idiots Guide to Motherhood, shares her then 12-year-old daughter’s attempt at detachment: Levine Herman was hesitant to allow her daughter to shop alone at a mall. Daughter was insistent. “I said ‘there might be gangs around,’” Levine Herman remembers. “She said, ‘I’m my own gang.’” The writer knew her strong-willed daughter was right. Levine Herman is also a proponent of the “space” concept: She recommends giving your child the opportunity to grow, like you did when she was learning to walk. If you didn’t give her room to move and fall, she would never have walked on her own. “If you don’t do the same thing now,” said Levine Herman, “you’ll be carrying her for your whole life.” Simplify your parenting job by thinking “don’t panic,” she advised further. Listen instead. Deeply interested in spirituality, Levine Herman could have lost her cool when her then-teen daughter told her, “Mom, there is no God.” A parent’s instinct might be to rush the child to church or synagogue and enroll in thrice-weekly religion classes. Levine Herman chose to do nothing. She knew that in a few days or weeks, her daughter could change her mind. Tweens and teenagers constantly reject their parents’ thoughts, interests and actions.
This process is part of them figuring out who they are, says Jim Fay, co-author of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, Love and Logic When Kids Leave You Speechless, and 18 other parenting books. “They don’t necessarily know that yet -- who they are,” he said, “but they’re saying with their actions ‘At least I’m not my parents.’” Fay tells parents that some children need a reason to leave home. It’s easier to manufacture one – my parents have the weirdest beliefs and do the strangest things -- instead of saying “I’m grown and it’s time to move on.” Parents might not be able to prevent their child from stomping out of the house in total rejection of the family once they turn 18, but they can take steps to build mutual respect. Start at the tween stage and you might get lucky.Fay advises empathizing when a child messes up – and then stating the consequences in simple “I will” terms. “After an accident with the car,” Fay explains, “say, ‘I know you feel awful about this. I understand, and I will give you back the car keys once you’ve earned the money to pay off the repair bill.” If your child is yelling at you, (like when my daughter shouted MOTHEEEER, DON”T DO THAT!) calmly say, “I will be glad to talk with you when your voice is like mine,” instead of what you want to scream (DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!). Empathizing and speaking in “I will” terms instead of “Don’t, Don’t, Don’t” allows children and their parents to maintain dignity, says Fay. He also recommends sharing your plans with tweens and teens – for example, saying, “I’m leaving for the mall at 7:30” so they can plan backwards if they wish to come along – and allowing the children to share as much control as possible. Let them pick their clothes and food most of the time. “Then you can say to them ‘I’m reasonable and let you decide many things. Now I have to make the decision (about the party you want to attend with no chaperones!) this time,’” says Fay. He’s “Love and Logic” concept (sign up for weekly tips at www.loveandlogic.com) must be effective: Fay works with his grown son daily.
