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Published: March 1, 2007
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EmailTeens have a vast range of emotions that often show themselves unexpectedly and at the most inopportune times. Every day brings the potential for an outburst in the hall, on the practice field or even while spending time watching a movie with friends. Developing the coping and communication skills necessary to deal with unpleasant confrontational people is a skill that many teens need help with.
Your teen needs guidance to navigate a course through the varying personalities and situations she’ll encounter. From confronting a mean spirited friend spreading rumors, to standing up for herself to an overbearing pal, there are some essentials skills every teen needs to help them deal with difficult people.
- Remove the blame factor
Indirect language works because it focuses on the situation rather than the person. Instead of your teen saying, “You need to stop telling people lies about me,” she can say, “How can we stop this situation?” Her peer is less likely to feel accused or hounded. “If you don’t stop lying, people will not believe anything you say” shows that she’s prepared to stand up for herself while it lets the other person know the full impact of the situation.
- Be brief
When discussing problems, teens should keep it short and direct in order to minimize a stressful situation for everyone. They should also resist asking open-ended questions, such as “why do you do that?” and stick to the topic at hand.
If your teen has to discuss something with a difficult friend, writing down three to five main points and sticking to them keeps the conversation productive. Even if the other person gets off the subject or starts saying nasty things, always coming back to her main points will prevent your teen from becoming embroiled in an argument.
- Do your homework
If your teen wants to address a peer, making a list of the specifics she wants to discuss helps her identify the true issues on her mind. Because emotions often lead teens off the track, knowing what she wants to accomplish prior to initiating a conversation keeps everyone from becoming derailed.
She should also do some research on the issue and have accurate facts. Learning the painful lesson of who to trust with information and who she can not trust is something every parent hopes to spare their child of. Taking the time to find out if her friend actually said or did what she’s accused of is something your teen needs to know prior to a confrontation.
- Don't complain
The only reason to bring up negative issues is to create a plan for correcting them. Complaining for the sake of complaining can alienate colleagues and create a bad environment. A teen who utilizes her time and energy to productively make a difference generates a positive attitude that will spread to her peers.
- Let go of anger
Sometimes it's hard for teens and tweens to get past their feelings of anger or hurt, and the need to express them. Encourage her to write how she feels in a letter and mail it to herself or keep it tucked in a draw at home. If she’s curious, in a couple of months she can read the letter and be surprised at how those feelings have changed.
She also needs to resolve to putting her anger aside and moving on from an unpleasant incident. Recognizing that criticism of her is often a sign that her friend needs attention, keeps her from allowing it to damage her self-esteem.
- Deal with a screamer
Your teen should tell the screamer that the way she is speaking is making it difficult for her to understand what she wants. Adding ‘I know the two of us want to be friends’ or ‘I know we both want to resolve this’ shows your teen’s maturity and creates a calm environment to discuss the situation.
- Stop gossip
Teens love to gossip. The facts of a tale can be twisted and retold with lightening speed in the halls of school. Instill in your teen the attitude of responding to all gossip with a blasé 'Oh, really?' and then changing the subject. Gossipers and rumormongers often want to stir up trouble and need attention and fuel to keep the conversation going. If teens don't respond, they usually move on.
She can also counter gossip by cultivating small talk. Asking her peers about the things they like such as music and movies disarms them. ‘Sue, I saw this article about that band you like’ starts a conversation that creates goodwill. This small talk makes a difficult peer feel comfortable with your child.
- Keep your temper
When your teen finds herself in a tough spot, keeping her voice at a normal volume and pitch can feel impossible. Learning how to control her body language and communication skills will keep the emotional level even and forces the person to listen to her.
She shouldn’t make an explosive situation worse by describing someone's behavior to them with value-charged words like 'rude,' 'uncaring' and 'yelling.' Instead using more neutral descriptive words like 'loud' or 'abrupt' convey the same message in a less confrontational manner.
- Dish out compliments
It is often second nature to focus on what people are doing wrong. Encourage your teen to catch a difficult peer doing something right and comment on it to help everyone feel less under attack. Giving someone a compliment can be just as uplifting as receiving one so your teen will learn an added lesson of how to positively boost self esteem.
- Stay open-minded
When someone criticizes her, encourage your teen to take the opportunity to be responsive and consider how she could improve regardless of how she feels about them. Using the experience as an opportunity for growth and introspection may reveal new goals or areas to improve upon.
Helping your teen develop her productive problem solving and communication skills will be beneficial throughout her teen years; however you’ll also give her a solid basis to know how to deal with controversy for the rest of her life.
