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Published: February 1, 2007
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EmailThe artists. The brainiacs. The jocks and cheerleaders. Some might say that cliques don’t exist much anymore, that kids blend nowadays. But even in Disney’s mega-hit, High School Musical, cliques had a role from the athletes and cheerleaders to the geeks and skater dudes. Cliques are that proverbial fact of life that sometimes get parents a bit antsy about how to help their children around the land mines that exclusive groups tend to lay down. Are they a necessary evil? And, how do parents, tweens and teens deal with them?
"In general, it’s an important developmental stage," says Ed Neukrug, professor of counseling at Old Dominion University in Norfolk. Between the ages of 12 and 18, children are "really developing a sense of who they are."
"Having a group to go to is critical for them because they’re leaving their parents at this time," Neukrug says. "You have to let your children go, but have an invisible tether."
If a parent senses the group is having a negative impact on the child, "pull that invisible tether," Neukrug says. "And, you need to make sure you have a relationship with your child if you don’t already have one."
Some teens see it differently.
"I don’t talk to my parents about everything because it seems abnormal if you talk too much" to them, says Keith Zirkle, a sophomore at First Colonial High School’s Legal Studies Academy in Virginia Beach. "You don’t tell your parents your friend’s secrets."
Keith mirrors Neukrug’s analysis, though, that teens are trying to establish an identity during these formative years.
"We need to become independent," Keith says. "When we’re independent and home, are we going to call our parents every day and explain about a person coming down in the elevator at our apartment?"
Neukrug disagrees.
Effective communication skills are key to any parent/child relationship, he says, especially listening skills.
"You can listen and at the same time set limits," he says, adding parents have to know which battles to pick with their children.
Neukrug offers 10 ways for parents to prevent their children from joining destructive cliques, the ones who pick on other children, the ones who are doing illicit activities such as drugs.
They are:
- Work through your own issues so they have less of an impact on your child.
- Be a positive role model.
- Don’t be hypocritical.
- Encourage good communication skills, especially listening skills.
- Expect developmental changes and help your child through them.
- Actively encourage healthier peer relationships.
- Don’t take parenting for granted - be involved with your children.
- Take positive action if you see negative behaviors.
- Be committed to your child.
- Don’t give up on your child.
Teens also offer advice on how to effectively deal with peer groups.
Jenika McCrayer, a sophomore at Norfolk Collegiate, says she hangs out with about 10 people who have similar interests, music, writing, art. She labels her group the "misfits" because they don’t fit in with other groups. But, she says, that doesn’t prevent her from talking to teens from different cliques.
She treats people the way they treat her. If one of her friend’s says they don’t like someone, she makes sure that friend knows the person in question has never done anything to her. That ends the conversation. "You can talk to anybody you want," she says, "but, I guess, ... you can’t belong to everybody’s group."
Claire Pickard, a freshman at Princess Anne High School in Virginia Beach, sees negative cliques forming with teens who are "insecure in themselves."
"They have to hang on to somebody else to reassure themselves they are good, that the are better than everybody else," she says.
The Web site, www.teenshealth.org, suggests five ways to survive cliques, including knowing yourself and your reputation; staying involved in activities that make you feel good about yourself; keeping your social circle open and diverse; speaking out and taking a stand for your beliefs; and having a mind of your own.
Keith Zirkle adheres to many of these qualities.
"Go with the flow," he says, "and don’t be so obsessed with all this stuff, like trying to be involved with a certain clique, or trying to get along with a certain group of people; just admire the group of friends you have."
He adds that certain cliques exist because of "the respect you give them, that makes them popular."
"Without that respect, they’re equal to you."
Turning teens and tweens loose at the mall Gina Roberts-Grey 2007-02-01 Tidewater Parent Magazine, News and Information for Hampton Roads Families Tidewater, Parents, Families, Parenting, Health, May Events, Babies, Teens, Toddlers Is your child ready to shop alone?“Can I pleeeze go to the mall …ALONE?!” One of the rites of passage most anticipated by teens and tweens is the ability to be independent. Whether being allowed to stay home alone, or go to the movies with a group of friends, adolescents thrive on signs of maturity. Being permitted to roam parent free at the mall and make independent choices on which t-shirt to purchase or what junk food to fill up on sends a strong message to young people. Although your child may fervently believe he or she is ready to tackle the bevy of merchants, strollers and fellow shoppers found at malls, you may not share the same beliefs.
Having a penchant for hanging out with friends or passing time watching people are a few of the most popular reasons that adolescents plead to shop solo. The desire to make some of her own choices and feel you trust her decisions fuels a teen’s passion to visit the mall with only her friends.
Permitting teens and tweens to spread their wings can be difficult to navigate. Wanting to protect their safety and fragile emotions while exposing them to valuable life lessons makes finding a happy medium challenging.
Maturity Matters
Many assume that once a child reaches a magical age, he or she is ready for unsupervised mall excursions. “In reality, some children have the maturity to handle this independence much earlier than others,” says Licensed Family and marriage therapist, Natalie DePinto of White Plains, New York.
Assess your child’s readiness to peruse the mall unsupervised. Consider how he or she might handle the peer pressure of a pal encouraging shoplifting or what would happen if your child became separated from his friends. It can be hard to give into your child’s desire to be independent and to relinquish some control over his social schedule. Talk with your child about potential safety hazards such as being targeted by purse or wallet thieves, being bullied by fellow mall goers, and staying together as a group to help you assess your child’s level of mall maturity as well as ease some of your concerns over letting him browse the mall.
Money Management
If you’re considering granting your anxious would-be mall roamer some independent shopping liberties but are concerned about your child’s grasp of fiscal responsibilities, consider the methods used by Gretchen Bujnowski of Mobile, Alabama. “My daughter has to earn half of what she spends at the mall. Whether it’s for junk food or ‘extra clothes’, I want her to understand that what is spent needs to first be earned,” says Bujnowski.
Teaching children how to calculate sales tax on purchases and how to shop for bargains helps instill the importance of being fiscally responsible. Talk with your teen about what she hopes to purchase at the mall before she leaves in order to help her set goals. “We periodically discuss the difference between ‘needing’ and ‘wanting’ something,” adds Bujnowski. Helping your teen set realistic expectations for what she plans to purchase gives her a basis for understanding the need to budget money instead of making impulse purchases.
The Buddy System
“In some cases, there can be safety in numbers,” adds DePinto. You can activate a variety of versions of the buddy system to add an element of protection and security to your child’s mall adventures. Suggest that your child go to the mall with a group of friends instead of going as one half of a pair of pals. Permitting her to go to the mall with a few trusted friends encourages the children to look out for each other. “This also increases the odds that they will watch out for each other,” says DePinto. Discuss the importance of staying together, not going into restrooms without a ‘buddy’ and adhering to meeting and pick-up plans to further emphasize the friend’s need to stay together.
If your teen or tween isn’t quite ready to shop with friends, suggest she shop with an older sibling, cousin or trusted family friends. Joining a mentor or family member at the mall creates the desired freedom your teen craves and incorporates a layer of protection you can feel comfortable with.
Taking Baby Steps
If after talking about your concerns or reservations you and your teen are still at a stalemate, consider employing a few compromises to strike a harmonious resolution. Marie Derby of West Dundee, Illinois has found that accompanying her son and his friends to the mall provides the level of security and safety she wants, as well as the opportunity for her son to explore his need to feel mature. "I know that I’m there on the scene in case they need something and they know they have some freedom,” she explains. Checking in with each other at designated intervals also gives Derby peace of mind that her son is safe while providing him the opportunity to earn her trust in his respect for time restrictions.
