Published: November 1, 2005
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EmailAt 15, Jordan Thaler loves her parents and many of the family traditions they share. But the Christmas parties her mother likes to throw in their York County neighborhood? Not so much.
Jordan has never flat-out refused to help host with her parents and two younger brothers. She does, however, admit to a bit of eye rolling in her Christmas past.
"It's pretty boring," she said. "Everyone just asks me how school is. One year I went outside and didn't talk to anyone, and my parents kind of got mad."
No matter how good the relationship between a parent and teenager, the holidays can be less a season of joy than a season of power struggles. Out of school and separated from friends, some older kids rebel against visiting relatives, attending annual parties or joining in once-loved routines such as picking a Christmas tree or cooking a big family dinner. They also might adopt a condescending or negative attitude that leaves everyone's nerves raw.
So what's a parent to do, other than feel like a full-time Scrooge? The most important step, according to parenting experts, is to realize that the majority of kids aren't rejecting their families or trying to hurt anyone's feelings. Put another way, they don't love their parents any less, and their parents haven't done anything wrong.
Instead, the holidays are a natural tension point as children become more independent and struggle to find their own identities, said Sam Fabian, a parent educator at Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters in Norfolk. The adolescent brain also undergoes a growth spurt that makes teens prone to sudden mood shifts and impulsive decisions.
"This is normal, and parents should do their best not to take it personally," Fabian said. As always, the trick for parents is to maintain parental authority while listening to what their child has to say. "Parents have to work with the teen and set clearly what is negotiable and what is not," Fabian said. "The teen years are a time to compromise, but not necessarily every time."
While holiday solutions will vary for every family, the extremes - forcing kids to participate in every activity or giving up and cutting them loose - rarely work. Many families will do better with self-created systems of give-and-take that consider everyone's feelings.
Take Carol Logan of Newport News, the mother of four grown children. When her kids were teenagers, Logan created monthly event calendars and then asked everyone - Mom included - to rate activities based on how much they wanted other family members to attend.
A "10" was the highest ranking, which Logan reserved for can't-miss events such as Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and family gatherings when her oldest son was home from Fort Bragg. "The teens knew that events rated ‘10' by Mom were relationship-destructive if they did not attend, and vice versa," Logan said.
"I knew the higher rating by my teen was important for me to arrange my work or money, whichever the case may be, to enable them to attend or be there myself. We still do this today even with adult children and holidays. No system is perfect, but we avoid hurt feelings and my children know the value of family support."
In that spirit, here are some other tips and ideas from local parent educators and families:
- Sit down with a list of holiday activities and think about how they would bring happiness to others. If an elderly relative counts on visits or a close friend specifically invites kids to a party, for example, insist on attendance. If a more distant relative, neighbor or co-worker doesn't seem to care as much, consider letting your teen make the call.
- Include older children in holiday planning. Ask about their ideas or let them organize a family community service project. Don't compromise on the traditions that are important to you, but remember that a little change is a healthy side effect of a maturing family.
- Invite one or two of your teenager's friends to parties or other events (with permission from the hosts, of course). Then let your teen go along with their friends in return.
- Maintain control. Teenagers need their parents to act as a safety net, especially during the more unstructured days of school vacations. So even if you give them a little leeway during the holidays, keep household chores, rules and curfews in place.
- Don't overbook your own holiday schedule. If you're under too much stress, you're more likely to butt heads with your kids.
- Make time for spontaneous outings that have nothing to do with the holidays. See if your kids want to go to a movie, grab a pizza or go for a bike ride. Even if they say no, they'll probably be glad you asked.
- Be clear that a regular dose of family time is not optional, holidays or no. Repeated studies have shown that teens who stay connected to their families - eating dinner together, for example - are much more likely to do well in school and avoid alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
- And despite some rolling eyes and heaving sighs, most teenagers aren't nearly as appalled at the thought of family togetherness as they might seem.
"I'm sure my mom will do the party again and I'll go," Jordan Thaler said, getting understanding nods from a group of girlfriends with her at Patrick Henry Mall in Newport News. "I can't imagine it not happening. It's just what we do."
