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Published: November 8, 2007
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EmailBeverly Tillman from Virginia Beach is a parent educator, and she considers herself very lucky. Not only because she has grown children, but because those grown children successfully made it to adulthood without asking questions about Beverly’s past.
“Thank God!,” she yelled.
To be honest, Tillman’s not sure how she would have handled such a conversation back in the day when she might have encountered one, but she now has some ideas about how other parents can.
“Whenever you talk to your child, make sure it’s age-appropriate,” she notes, “and be honest, but don’t tell too much detail.”On its web site, www.drugfree.org, the Partnership for a Drugfree America organization echoes Tillman’s advice:
“Avoid giving your child more information than she asked for. And ask her a lot of questions to make sure you understand exactly why she's asking about your drug history. Limit your response to that information.” But you can – and probably should – go deeper in another sense, so that you can explore the emotions behind big decisions such as using illegal drugs, drinking under age and having premarital sex:
You could share the big “Why,” the reasons you felt it necessary to do what you did when you were a teen – whether it be because of peer pressure, insecurities or a lack of education.
The site suggests these words:
- "I took drugs because some of my friends used them, and I thought I needed to in order to fit in. In those days, people didn't know as much as they do now about all the bad things that can happen when you take drugs."
- "Everyone makes mistakes and trying drugs was one of my biggest mistakes ever. I'll do anything to help you avoid making the same stupid decision that I made when I was your age."
- "I started drinking when I was young and, as you can see, it's been a battle ever since. Because of my drinking, I missed a big part of growing up, and every day I have to fight with myself so it doesn't make me miss out on even more — my job, my relationships, and most importantly, my time with you. I love you too much to watch you make the same mistakes I've made."
You could also share what happened to your friends. “Diane” from Hampton Roads is ready with that approach when her daughter asks about sex. She doesn’t think she’ll go into specifics about her own sex life, but she’ll definitely keep in mind what happened to one high school friend – and the advice might not be what you’d expect. Her friend married young, and after getting divorced many years later, was ready to marry again. Due to being born-again Christians, she and her fiancé decided to wait until after their wedding to have sex. Once they were married, however, the groom still declined to be with his bride. “I don’t want that happening to her,” says Diane. “You do have to make sure you’re compatible!”
Of course, Diane is going to emphasize that it makes sense to check for this type of compatibility only when you’re in a caring, committed, adult relationship. “I’m not saying that all of this ‘hooking up’ that goes on with teenagers is OK!” I haven’t figured out my responses yet, but I know part of what I’ll say is that drugs are different today – stronger and more likely to be from an unknown source. Penalties are stiffer, too. The consequences of having sex are deadlier also. No one really knew about AIDS back when I was in high school. (Yes, younger moms and dads reading this, there was such a time a few decades ago!) I’ll also share that I had a group of friends who made many different choices and faced many different consequences. We all felt insecure at times or wanted to change our identities, be someone bolder, wilder, less “goody-two-shoes.” Some of us chose to deal with those emotions by writing poetry, or talking with friends, or drinking way too many beers and having sex with boys who didn’t stick around afterwards. Sometimes, things worked out OK and sometimes they didn’t.I’d like to brainstorm a list of what my kids might do if they feel overwhelmed with pressure or nervousness or confusion. I hope it’ll include many physical things – running, biking, swimming – and many cerebral things – writing in a journal, writing a song, listening to music, reading a philosopher, buying a ticket to a comedy show. Drinking, taking drugs and having sex will be on the list (unfortunately!) but I hope that seeing so many different, safe “escapist” activities will at least make them pause and think.
I’d also like to have them write a list of people they could talk to – one that includes people their own age, my age and older, authority figures they admire, and role models who are five to 10 years older than them – those young adults who still look pretty cool, have made it through the teen and early-twenties turmoil and are starting to categorize choices into the “wise” and “asinine” categories.And I will try my best not to bribe those young folks into telling me everything my darlings reveal.
