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Published: April 1, 2008
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EmailWhen Jayla Taylor first started spending an hour at home alone after school, she was 13 years old and excited about her newfound freedom. Although she didn’t plan on breaking rules or pigging out on junk food, she liked the idea of having more control over her schedule. Now almost 15, Jayla typically unwinds by talking on the phone or watching television before she turns to her homework (her old babysitter, she says, made her tackle school assignments right away). She also admits to the occasional splurge on sugary snacks that her parents wouldn’t love.
But being a “latchkey kid” isn’t all good, Jayla has found. Mainly, she still hasn’t gotten used to how quiet the house is. “I have two little brothers, so it’s usually really loud,” she said. “Then it’s pretty loud and crazy all day at school. I get home and it’s just me and it’s like, almost eerie. Some days I love it, but other days I wish I had somebody to talk to or maybe take me out of a bad mood.”
Parents let their kids stay home alone for many reasons, from busy work schedules to the high price of child care to a desire to help a child become more self-reliant. Many make the decision after plenty of soul searching about a child’s maturity level, the safety of their neighborhood and options for before- and after-school programs. “It was really nerve-wracking at first, even though I was within walking distance of my house and my son was only there alone for a very short amount of time,” said Kelly Maloney, a kindergarten teacher and the mother of two teenagers. “I think you just have to be very clear with them about what is expected and what is allowed.” The number of latchkey kids has grown steadily in recent decades, fueled by a rise in households with a single parent or two working parents. The phrase apparently originated in the 1940s, when more mothers took paying jobs after their husbands were drafted during World War II. Many children carried keys on strings around their necks so they could unlock a door, or latch, at their house. Today, national census figures show about 10 million children spend part of their weekday mornings or afternoons unaccompanied. Latchkey kids come from all economic backgrounds and typically are in the fourth through 12th grade. On average, they are on their own for two to three hours, according to the Department of Health and Human Services. Kids may be responsible for making breakfast and getting dressed in the mornings or taking care of household chores and younger siblings after classes.
Naturally, physical safety is the greatest concern for parents. Worries range from crime, accidents and health emergencies to alcohol abuse, sexual activity and poor food choices (for safety tips, see box). But often, loneliness and boredom are bigger everyday problems, local teenagers say. “When you’re by yourself, sometimes it can be harder to let go of things that are bugging you,” said Harriett Jenkins, a 15-year-old who gets home about 2½ hours before her parents are off work. “You can also get freaked out more easily by little noises.” The usual responsibilities of school and home life also don’t go away during solo time, Jayla Taylor pointed out. “It seems like all this freedom, but I still have to do homework and chores before my mom is home,” she said. “There have been a few days when I didn’t and she got mad. I just have to tell myself to do it, which in a way is harder than my mom or dad being in my face about it.” For parents considering the decision, the first step is to make sure a child is truly okay with being alone, said Sam Fabian, a parent educator at Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters. Age isn’t the best guideline; a mature 10-year-old might be a better candidate than a more anxious 14-year-old. Kids who tend to be worriers or who freeze in the face of unexpected changes probably aren’t good candidates. Neither are those who don’t follow rules well, make impulsive decisions or need lots of prodding to finish homework or chores. Families who don’t have a dependable neighbor or family member living nearby also should be more cautious, Fabian said. One potentially easy solution to the debate, she said, is to ask kids directly if they feel ready – and listen closely to the answer.“If they start asking a lot of questions like ‘How long are you going to be gone?’ or ‘Where will you be?’ they may not be ready,” Fabian said. “Or even if they are ready themselves, they might not feel ready to care for a younger sibling. You don’t want to push it. Even if you think they should be ready, you need to honor how they’re feeling.”
Role-playing is another good test, she said. By practicing as many “what-if” scenarios as possible – lost keys, sickness, injuries, prank phone calls, knocks at the door, power outages and more – parents can get a sense of how a child would do without adult supervision. Once a child has started to stay home alone, parents should gauge his or her comfort level on a regular basis, said Dr. Lee Coleman Hinnant, a family physician in Virginia Beach. “I suggest checking in with them weekly, even if everything seems to be going smoothly,” she said. “Ask them how they feel and if they need help with anything. Some kids might try this out for a couple of weeks and decide they really don’t feel comfortable. They might not like the reality of the extra independence.”Coming up with a specific agenda of activities can help kids avoid problems, Hinnant said. “The time can be planned out almost like a block schedule,” she said. A typical afternoon might start with a check-in with a parent or other adult – whether by phone, email or text message – as soon as a child gets home. “It only takes a few seconds to call my daughter every day and make sure she’s OK,” Maloney said. “I also talked to a couple of neighbors ahead of time to let them know we were doing this. It’s important that the kids have an adult they know they can go to, because they’re still just kids. They also know I will always leave my job if they need me to.”
Next on the agenda might be a snack, and again specifics are important. When Maloney’s now 16-year-old son began spending time at home alone at age 11, she restricted him to foods that he didn’t have to cook, such as fruit, chips and crackers. “I wouldn’t even let him put popcorn in the microwave,” she said. “I’ve burned myself that way, and I didn’t want to take a chance.” (If kids are allowed to heat up food, Hinnant added, parents shouldn’t assume they know basic rules such as not microwaving foil wrap or always turning pot handles inward on the stove to help prevent accidental burns.) Homework and chores can come after snack. If a parent still isn’t home by then, kids might relax with a parent-approved movie, television show, computer program or video game or phone calls to specific family members or friends. If mornings tend to be hectic, Fabian suggests reviewing the following day’s schedule the night before. “Make sure you know about tests coming up or projects that need to get done, and then strategize about how to spend time,” she said. Having firm rules will make kids feel more secure, experts say. For example: Exactly what Internet sites can they visit on the computer? Can they have friends over at any point? When is it OK to call a parent at work (in any kind of emergency or if a child is scared) and when is it not OK (to settle minor sibling squabbles)? “You can even write it all out in a contract form,” Fabian said.
Parents also say they’ve found ways to make kids feel like they’re never really alone. Jayla Taylor’s mother leaves “I love you” notes around the house. Harriett Jenkins’ mother, Janelle Banks, has told her daughter to call if she ever needs to chat about something that’s happened during the day – even if it’s not something a parent might consider urgent. “I’m lucky where I have a job where I can go into an office, close the door and take a few minutes to listen to her unload,” said Banks, a hotel manager. “I feel like if you aren’t ready to listen to teenagers when they’re ready to talk, they may not be ready to talk again. Then you miss that chance.” Harriett hasn’t called often, Banks said. The most recent time, she was upset because she thought a teacher had picked on her by calling on her even after she got a few answers wrong. “I was sitting around all mad and not doing my homework,” Harriett said. “My mom told me just to keep working hard and study extra for his class because then he wouldn’t be able to do that again.”
Finally, parents should be sure to set aside time for a child after they get home, no matter how tired they are, Hinnant said. “The one-on-one conversations are very important,” she said. “Kids need a chance to tell you how their day went and to feel connected.” At the end of her afternoon alone time, that’s what Jayla Taylor wants – for the most part. “My mom and my brothers will come barging in the door and my dad a little later on, and I’m usually –usually – happy to see them,” she said, laughing. “They might get on my nerves five minutes later, of course, but it’s good to have us all home.”
Safety Tips
Relieving Home Alone Anxiety
By Jeffrey Katz, Ph.D.Some children look forward to being home alone and are excited about the opportunity to take care of themselves. Others, however, are hesitant about being alone and don’t welcome the opportunity. They are unsure of themselves and worry “too much” about what can happen. Here are some tips for helping these children become more confident and less anxious about the unknown.
- Work out a schedule or routine with your child. Structure is very helpful in making kids feel more at ease, because they know what they need to do and when, and with less time to sit and worry. Let your child do most of the planning so they build the confidence in their abilities, while you provide suggestions or help them tweak their schedule. They can set out the time for a snack, to watch TV, do some homework, call a friend, and speak with you.
- Have your child call you when they get home from school. Also set up another, specific time that you will call them to “check-in.” This will help avoid having them calling you repeatedly.
- Put together a plan “in case of emergency.” Put it up on the refrigerator, with a copy for your child to have with them. Whose house can they go to if something happens? Who lives close by that they can call? What is the number for 911? Where should they go outside of the house to wait for you, if necessary?
- Help your child develop a plan for coping with the anxiety that will inevitably occur at times. What do they know that helps calm them? Is it listening to music, watching TV, reading a book or doing sudoku. Maybe it is playing with the dog or kicking a ball around in the yard. Help your child learn to “self-soothe.”
- Lastly, avoid the trap of high expectations. If the goal is to help your child become comfortable being home alone, don’t be upset if the homework or chores are not done. There will be plenty to celebrate as your child moves into this new, independent phase of life.
