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Published: December 4, 2007
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EmailWhen Dani Barlow’s older son gets into trouble, she sometimes finds herself calling him by a different name: his younger brother’s. Since 4-year-old Harry is usually the one who misbehaves in their
David Bristow, a father of three, has more in common with his 9-year-old son Jared than his other two kids. Jared is into camping and fishing like his dad, while 5-year-old Angela tends toward dance and toenail polish and 15-year-old David Jr. is a computer whiz. Many weekends, Bristow finds himself spending most of the day with Jared while his wife stays with Angela and David Jr. sticks with his friends. “I worry that I know Jared better than my other kids,” Bristow said. “Things just come easily for us in terms of getting along.”
The two families’ situations aren’t unusual, parenting experts say. While parents almost always love their children equally, they may “play favorites” to a certain degree – sometimes consciously but more often unconsciously. The preferred treatment can come in the form of extra attention, expectations, leniency, privileges or material goods.
Favoritism is difficult to define. Because all kids have different personalities, strengths and weaknesses, some need a firmer hand or more encouragement to succeed or stay out of trouble. Grounding one child more than another, for example, may simply be fair – not a form of favoritism. The same goes for giving a more mature younger child driving rights at an earlier age than a sibling. But parents will run into trouble if they really do make more of an effort with one child, said Burt Segal, a licensed clinical social worker with Riverpoint Psychiatric Associates in
“To kids, positive attention is best but negative attention is better than no attention at all,” he said. “That’s why it’s so important to give each child a lot of positive feedback and one-on-one time, doing something interactive where you get to talk. Even if you don’t like the activity, you make the sacrifice. It doesn’t have to be hours and hours; just 15 minutes a day can be enough.”
Here are a few of the more common family situations where favoritism may come into play, along with some solutions:
One child has more in common with a parent. If a child has a similar personality or interests as a parent, the relationship tends to be easier, said Sam Fabian, a parent educator at Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters. Two outgoing athletes will have a more natural bond than, say, an outgoing athlete and a reserved artist. A sloppy child will drive a super-organized parent crazier than a child who keeps his room and homework assignments neat. “It comes down to a comfort level for the parent,” Fabian said. “I don’t believe any parent sets out to play favorites, but when you click with somebody, you click with somebody. Otherwise, you have to stretch yourself to embrace differences. It takes extra energy and effort, but it’s worth it.”Fabian, for example, has spent time doing arts and crafts with her daughter even though the projects wouldn’t ordinarily interest her. She knows another mother who hated mountain biking but found a ride with her son to be one of their best days together – not when they were biking, but when they stopped to rest and talk.
The first step for parents is to accept and embrace the fact that a child won’t necessarily be like them, Fabian said. The second is to focus on what that child does well, whether it’s being a thoughtful person or excelling at a particular activity. “If you do that, you’ll see more of the behaviors that you like and less of the behaviors you don’t,” she said. A child brings back memories for a parent. Moms and dads may single out one child if they see some of their own childhood dreams or problems replaying themselves, Segal said. If a child is being bullied or not doing well on the soccer field, for example, a parent could easily direct too much pent-up emotion – both positive and negative – toward that child. Parents who fell short of an academic or athletic goal may bestow a “star” label on a child who shows promise in a certain area. Parents who wished they were more popular in school may be too lax with “social butterfly” kids who have lots of friends.But pushing or coddling children too much does them no favors, Segal said. Babied kids can turn into spoiled adults who expect to have their way and to be bailed out whenever they run into trouble. Kids pushed too hard may suffer from anxiety or burn out early on an activity. And kids allowed to bend too many rules are more likely to get into serious trouble such as drug or alcohol use. “Children who get used to constant praise or things coming easily won’t know what to do if that doesn’t happen,” Segal said. “They won’t learn how to work hard and rely on themselves.”
One child demands more attention. Many families have what they affectionately call their “high-maintenance” child – the one who is more headstrong, stubborn and competitive than his or her siblings. For Brandi Davis of York County, that’s her 4-year-old son, Parker.
Especially when Parker was a toddler but still today, Davis worries about her more easy-going 9-year-old son, Jackson, getting enough one-on-one attention. So at least once a week, she carves out time for solo activities with each of her boys. She also has encouraged her husband’s Friday night outings to Busch Gardens with Jackson alone.“I have always been a big believer that each child is especially in their own right,” Davis said. “They leave their own mark on the world and therefore deserve their own special time with each parent.” Beyond giving kids that one-on-one attention, parents need to learn what motivates an individual child and understand it’s OK to handle each one differently, Fabian said. In all cases, a proactive strategy is better than simply reacting when a conflict pops up, she said.
For example, if a dawdle-prone child whines that a parent is “always on my case” about not getting ready for school in time, the parent might respond: “You’re right, it does seem that way. How can we get it so that I don’t have to be on you so much? How can we get your shoes and coat on so we’re out the door in time? I know you can do it, so let’s figure it out.” Quieter and more obedient kids also need to know they can speak honestly with their parents if they feel overlooked, Segal said. “Accept how they feel – don’t ever dismiss it,” he said. “Repeat what they say back to them so you’re sure to understand. Ask what everyone might do differently.” Just being conscious of potential problems is a good start, as Dani Barlow has discovered. If it seems like Harry is dominating conversations or family dynamics too much, she’ll speak up. “My husband and I specifically say, ‘We want to hear what Trevor has to say, too,’” she said.
The special needs child. If one child has a chronic illness or disability, parents often have no choice but to give that child extra time. But even if siblings can understand that on a rational level, they can feel left out, said Gail Cervarich, a social worker at Children’s Hospital of the King’s Daughters. A sibling may be sad or angry if a parent has to miss a special occasion or more everyday events such as meals and soccer games, said Cervarich, who runs the hospital’s SibShops support program for those kids. Many also feel extra pressure to grow up fast or be “perfect” because their brother or sister can’t. “They feel like all the parental expectations and dreams fall on them,” Cervarich said. “That anxiety increases if they also feel like they have to ‘protect’ the sibling. Parents have to be realistic in what’s expected and let kids know that their best is good enough.” An open line of communication lets kids know they can express opinions and needs without feeling guilty, she added. And parents can always find ways to help each child feel special: “Maybe you can’t get to every soccer game, but get to at least one. Support that activity to some degree.” A “divide-and-conquer” approach is good if parents can split time between special needs children and their siblings. If that isn’t possible, other adult helpers such as grandparents or friends can be great resources to free up time and energy, Cervarich said. One child is significantly younger. In general, younger kids are more likely to gain favored status, experts say – if only because for a time they’re smaller, weaker and in need of more hands-on help.
Parents say that’s not surprising. “To avoid showing favoritism to one child over the other can be difficult at times, especially if the favoritism revolves around need and not ‘true’ favoritism,” Brandi Davis said. “In this instance, it is extra crucial to spend one on one time with your older children to make sure they have a piece of your time, no matter how tired you may be.” Many older children think younger siblings get more privileges too soon, from later bedtimes and curfews to more driving rights. Fabian still hears complaints from her two sons that her daughter, the youngest of the three, got to watch her first PG-13 movie two years before they did. The best strategy is to acknowledge how the older kids feel and explain the reasons behind any rule changes, said Fabian, who had checked out the movie in question and felt her daughter could handle it. “You learn and grow as a parent, so you don’t necessarily want to lock into the same rules for everyone,” she said. “Maybe one child is more mature or ready for responsibilities than another. You want to be honest about how you make decisions. And if you make a mistake, acknowledge that too.”
David Bristow doesn’t want to make the mistake of playing favorites, so he has vowed to spend more time with his daughter and older son. On a recent Saturday, he and Angela made bead necklaces together at their Hampton home while his wife took Jared to a birthday party. “You know, it really was fun,” Bristow said. “I made a pretty ugly necklace and got to listen to my daughter laugh.”
