 |
Published: February 1, 2005
Print
EmailKeeping your child in class isn't easy for some parents. But knowing the warning signs can prevent truancy before it becomes a problem.
When Cecilia Gonzalez's twins were school-aged, she had one strategy to keep them in class: Make them feel as if she was watching them all the time.
Gonzalez volunteered as a chaperone for field trips and dances. She drove her kids to school some mornings and appeared to pick them up some afternoons. She asked them about their days, went to their games and plays, demanded to know where they were and grounded them if they didn't let her know about changed plans. “They used to hate me,” laughed Gonzalez, a parent educator with the Healthy Families Partnership in Hampton. But it worked. Neither of the twins, now grown, had problems with skipping school.
That kind of attention is the best way to prevent truancy, experts say.
At a time when more parents work and trust kids to get to the school bus on their own, it's more important than ever to stay on top of kids' daily lives and know the signs of trouble. “This really is a 100 percent preventable problem if you have awareness of your child,” said Stephen Bolduc, a pediatrician with Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters' Newport News Pediatrics. “If a child is cutting class, I consider that a parent problem, not a kid problem. What all parents need to be aware of is, this could happen — even to their child.”
Of course, nearly all kids will skip a day or two for fun along the way (think Ferris Bueler's Day Off). But students who begin to cut classes on a regular basis may have a real problem. Many are struggling academically. Others are coping with bullying from fellow students, boredom, peer pressure and emotional stress triggered by family problems such as divorce, illness or substance abuse. The risk increases in middle school, when students have to cope with bigger classes, less pampering from teachers and the pains of puberty. By high school, kids are even more independent — and some have access to cars to get off school property. But even though older students are more likely to angle for days off, problems that lead to regular truancy usually start in the first decade of life, Bolduc said. In fact, kindergarten can be a problem spot because some parents don't see it as “real” school and are lax about getting kids to class.
Parents should never write off concerns about a child as immaturity, which happens more often with boys than girls. Instead, preschool and elementary school students who struggle academically or socially need quick intervention to check for learning disabilities or physical or emotional disorders. “Parents ask me who they should go to if they're worried, and I say, ‘Go to anybody. Just don't ignore the problem,” Bolduc said. “Talk to the teacher, a doctor, go on the Internet and self-educate. Don't let your child be coddled through elementary school, because the mushroom will explode in middle school.” Once children are failing on a regular basis, changing negative feelings about school is difficult. Students who are held back a grade often suffer from low self-esteem that makes them more likely to drop out altogether.
However, it's not just “problem kids” who try to get out of class. Even happy, smart and well-adjusted children might take a stab at it — and parents have to nip the act in the bud. One day this school year, Mike and Chris Cummings of York County learned that their kindergartner, Lauren, had left school with a supposed stomachache but then persuaded her grandfather to take her to Chick-fil-A for nuggets and playtime. The shocked school nurse said kids usually don't make such moves until second grade. But Lauren tried again the very next day, complaining of a stuffy nose. The nurse gave her a cough drop and sent her back to class. Her parents now follow a “no throwing up, no fever, no going home” rule. “Lauren loves school and her teacher,” Chris Cummings said. “We just realized that she loves attention from home more. I spoke to her that evening and explained the importance of school and how important it was that she went every day. We haven't had any problems since.”
Virginia law requires children ages 5 to 17 to be in class daily during the school year. A separate law passed in 1999 allows schools to file complaints in juvenile court and ask for extra supervision of kids who have six or more unexcused absences a year. Parents also can face charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Statewide during the 2003-04 academic year, schools reported 34,812 cases when administrators had to meet with parents after a child had six or more unexcused absences, according to the Virginia Department of Education. That was more than the 29,145 the previous year but less than the 40,000-plus the year before that.
About 2 percent of all middle and high school students drop out of school permanently, according to statistics from the 2002-03 school year. Trouble spots included Portsmouth at more than 5 percent and Suffolk at close to 4 percent. Only two divisions — Highland County and Lexington systems, both very small — reported no dropouts. Outside the classroom, children are at high risk of falling into crime, especially vandalism, car theft and shoplifting. Dropouts also are more likely to join gangs, abuse drugs and alcohol and be unemployed as adults.
School divisions have different ways to make parents aware of attendance problems, including phone calls, letters, meetings and intervention from social workers. Many schools require parents to call whenever their child is sick and have a nurse check in if a child isn't in school. As for punishing truancy, some schools have substituted counseling or in-school suspension for straight suspensions, which tend to put students even further behind academically. Some have hired truancy officers to round up missing kids during the day. Others have assigned older students to mentor younger ones and help them feel more comfortable at school.
But parents shouldn't rely on schools to do all the work, experts say. At home, warning signs that a child is in trouble include sudden personality changes — especially becoming more aggressive or withdrawn — and a demand for constant privacy, such as never wanting to introduce their friends to a parent. On a more practical level, students who are skipping school might ask a lot of questions about a parent's plans for the day or race to the mailbox to intercept letters. Some might seem sick more often than usual, and many bring home bad report cards.
So what's a parent to do? Everyone, from child psychologists to parents in the trenches, agrees on two basic steps: Be a tough disciplinarian and be as involved as possible in a child's daily life.
Freda Steward of York County, who has four school-aged kids, jokes that she “threatens them within an inch of their life” if they skip school. “Be involved with your children's schooling,” Steward said. “Ask them daily what went on in school today. Obviously, the younger children are much easier to keep in school. In the high school years, we have found that just being there is important. Our kids know that at least one of us will be at their game or function.”
Chris Cummings, who has a 9-year-old son in addition to Lauren, doesn't let sick days become a chance for fun. “Normally, our rule at home is if they are too sick to go to school, then they are too sick to play with friends or play video games, etc.,” she said. “That usually takes care of the situation.”
Other tips include:
- If you can't go with your child to the school bus, call the school to make sure he has arrived. Ask the school to call you if he's ever absent without explanation.
- If you suspect your child is skipping, call her teachers or an administrator in charge of attendance and ask.
- Take an interest in your child's schoolwork. Help with homework, ask questions about the day's lessons and be sure he finishes his work before he playing games or watching television. If he knows you're checking up on him, he's more likely to succeed.
- Go into your child's school often. Volunteer — ask the teachers how you can help — and join parent organizations.
- Make sure your child has a set bedtime. She will be less likely to struggle to wake up, which is especially important if you won't be home when she's getting ready for school.
- Follow through with threats of punishment. If your child skips class and you warned you'd ground him, then ground him.
- Most importantly, spend a lot of time with your child and get to know her friends — and her friends' parents. Eat meals together. Invite kids to gather at your house instead of hanging out at the mall. Sit on your child's bed for five minutes every night and talk.
Good listening is always crucial, said Gonzalez, of the Healthy Families Partnership. While some parents aren't tough enough on bad behavior, others immediately assume their child is to blame for a problem. “I hear from a lot of kids that the teacher didn't listen but the parent didn't either,” she said. “You always should hear both sides. Our children need validation for their feelings.” And parents should keep in mind that what seems like a minor issue to an adult can be important — even overwhelming — to a child, said Sarah Daspit, a former middle school teacher and stay-at-home mom of two in Newport News. “If you dismiss something that bothers them, they feel less valued,” Daspit said. “That can turn into them feeling, ‘What the heck, nobody cares, so why should I go to school?' So the trick is to put things into perspective without being dismissive. You know, be gentle.”
Parents who have trouble getting a child to open up should try a non-confrontational approach. For example, if they hear about other students skipping school — or using drugs, drinking or having sex — they might be able to ease their child into a conversation. “Don't say, ‘Don't you ever do that!'” Bolduc said. “Instead ask, ‘Have you ever thought about doing that?' That's a better way to get them talking about what they're doing — and what you expect of them.” Even if one attempt at conversation fails, he said, parents should never stop asking questions. Cecilia Gonzalez never did. And her twins, now 32, have done what was once unthinkable: Adopt her strategies with their own children. “Just like me,” Gonzalez said, “they want to keep their kids from doing something they'll regret forever.”
